Texas Reflections

Once upon a time, I had a raccoon that took up residence in my feral cat’s winter house. It had been chewed up pretty badly by the dogs next door. It was a young one. When I opened the pet house lid, he did not growl. He looked up at me saying with those beady eyes “please do not force me out. help me.” I fed him, bought the cat a new house, and allowed him to stay until he recovered and went away. I did see him on a few occasions after that. But I felt a kindred spirit with that animal. He reminded me of myself. Surrounded. I am still in rural Texas surviving in a place I am not wanted by 85-90% of the people. It’s a battle everyday…just like the movie so aptly states.

Leaving Texas mentally when you still live here physically is odd. I do not write of the attacks my mother and I have suffered here. Giving legitimacy to vicious people who lie has never been my style. I put them in the rear view mirror…checking the view out occasionally to see if they are going to ride my ass again. But I long to leave Texas behind for good. Our values no longer jive.

The biggest problem I have besides making a living and caretaking for an 86 year old mom with health issues? I am so fucking disappointed in Texas. We were always kooky here. We had Molly Simms, Ann Richards, Kinky Friendman, Willie Nelson, Beyoncé, Selena…proving “outside the box” and diversity was a condition valued here. But now it’s uniformity, white Christian nationalism, cruelty and greed that “flicks their Bic”? What happened?

How can a empath that scores off the charts with sensitivity to others stand the viewpoints of Texas? How can I interact and still remain true to my values? How can I survive and resist? Very cautiously.

Because along with middle age and menopause, a new personality emerged from the vicious attacks of neighbors, family and former friends. I got gangster angry. All my life therapists said I needed to be more angry. I could not find it without a perimenopausal assist. And I now get the pull of rage. I got angry about immigrant treatment, misogyny, liars, greed, racism and using Jesus as a weapon to harm others. I got furious at how the cult continues to ignore truth and spread propaganda. And I saw the patterns in my life that led to dead ends, failures, and attacks. And most of it was because I enabled narcissistic people to steal my power. I gave them permission. No more.

So while I listen to those around me saying the protests are demonic, the T-rumps are royalty, and the country is on the right track, I plan my peaceful protests and words of resistance. I treat every job I have like an athletic event…working harder than anyone to survive. And I say thank you maga. You have no idea what you awakened in this Texas lady. And I like it;)